Never Underestimate the Female Mind
by LooneyLovey
Summary: What happens when Narcissa Malfoy is a little fed up of her husband paying more attention to his hair than to her?


**Okay so at the moment I need to do something other than re-writing fics and my usual ones so I've been looking at the prompt forums and I found this Macceh's "Three AM" challenge ~ "Do you really think three in the morning is the appropriate time to be discussing this?" and I thought I'd give it a go :) Tell me what you think. **

**Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda, nope don't own it yet.

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"Narcissa... Narcissa wake up," Lucius hissed impatiently, "Narcissa!"

The woman in question groaned and rolled over, now facing away from her insistent husband.

"Please," he said the word as though it left a bad taste in his mouth, "I need you to wake up Narcissa."

Realising that she wasn't going to get any rest until she gave into her husbands demands and answered him she turned to face Lucius. She winced as the candle he held shone brightly in her eyes, and as she brought her hand up to shield her eyes from the glare of the light she wondered why he was using a candle - it was such a muggle thing to do – and why had he not just cast a Lumos charm instead?

"I'm awake Lucius, what do you want?" Narcissa snapped, not please at being woken up so early in the morning, she knew that it was only morning as they had gone to bed just past midnight, that and her body still felt weary. By the time it had taken her to discern that it was still an indecent hour to be up her eyes had adjusted to the flickering candle light, and in the shadows she saw her husband place the candle light on the bedside table and start to pace their bedroom floor.

"I need you to come with me," he hissed urgently, "it's a matter of dire importance."

"Lucius what could be so important for you to get me up at this ungodly hour?" she asked, now sitting up fully in bed while reaching for her wand to shed some more light onto the room.

"Narcissa," his tone was more commanding now, and left no room for argument.

"Fine Lucius, but this better be good."

He handed her her bathrobe then took her hand – not so lightly – and literally dragged her from the room.

"Lucius, slow down!" she almost yelled, still not happy at being woken up early.

"Cissy, I can't. You'll see why in a moment."

She gave into him and followed him into the bathroom, still not seeing the reason for being dragged out of bed. Once they reached the full length mirror he let go of her wrist then pointed to his head.

"Lucius, you have five seconds to tell me why you dragged me out of bed. I see no difference in or on you!"

"For goodness sake woman, do you really not see my problem?" Lucius asked his wife.

"No Lucius, I really do not see your 'problem'. That is if you do have one," she mumbled the last part to herself.

"My head Narcissa," he said impatiently, "do really you not see anything wrong with it?"

"No Lucius, I do not see anything wrong with your head."

"But... but it can't be... I saw, I felt..."

"Lucius?" she questioned, something was wrong. Normally her husband didn't drag her out of bed at strange hours and if he did it was for something much more pleasurable than staring at him in a mirror.

"Cissy, look closely at my head. Tell me what you see." He made it a demand not a request, and she complied.

"I see your blond hair Lucius, the hair that you brush every night before coming to bed."

"Every night? Did you see me brush it tonight Narcissa?"

"Well... no, no I didn't?" she murmured, thinking back to a few hours previously.

"Exactly," he said, starting to pace the length of the bathroom floor, "Cissy, I have no hair to brush. It's not there."

"Lucius... what are you talking about, of course you hair is on your head. I can see it," she said, shaking her head while making her way towards him. Once she stood in front of him she ran her hands through his golden hair, proving to him that it was in fact there, she smiled as she felt the silky smooth strands under her fingers, that was until he pushed her hands away and resumed his pacing.

"It's all there Lucius, every single strand. Now can I go back to bed? There a function for post-war Pure Blood victims that I'm attending tomorrow and I need to look my best."

"No," he roared, startling her, "no you cannot go back to bed, especially since _I _cannot feel my hair, nor can I see it."

"Lucius, what are you on about? Of course your hair is there, I just touched it for flips sake!"

"No it's not Cissy, don't tell me it is when I know it isn't." Narcissa sighed, she wasn't getting through to her husband. She cast a non-verbal _Tempus_ charm and discovered that it was three in the morning, she really needed to get back to bed if she wanted to look her best for tomorrow.

"Lucius I'm going back to bed. If in the morning your still having your dilemma then we shall call Severus but I need sleep and so do you."

"How can I sleep knowing that there is no hair on my head, are you insane woman!"

"No Lucius, I'm not insane though I am starting to doubt your sanity as this conversation continues. Anyway, do you really think three in the morning is the appropriate time to be discussing this? Were both tired Lucius. We need sleep and if I have to drag you back to bed and pour a sleeping draught down your throat don't think for a minute I wont."

"But Cissy," he whined.

"No buts Lucius, bed. Now," she said sternly, pointing to the bathroom door.

Many people thought that he was the more dominate one in their relationship and those people would be right... until a situation like this cropped up. More than once she had put him in his place if he had an insane idea or a ridiculous thought.

"Fine Narcissa, but if I cannot see or feel my hair by tomorrow morning," at her look he added, "by a decent hour tomorrow morning then make no mistake, I will be Flooing Severus."

"I already told you we would Lucius, now come on. Let's go to bed and see what the dawn brings."

Lucius let his wife lead him back to their chambers at a more reasonable pace than before and once they reached the bed she blew the candle that he had previously set down on their bedside table then sighed wearily as she saw him pat his head, a frown resting upon his face.

"Morning Lucius, we wait until morning."

Seeing how tired she was Lucius conceded then helped her to pull back the covers on their bed.

For Narcissa morning came too soon, but for Lucius it could not come soon enough. He shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom, passing Draco on his way there.

Draco, seeing his father run to the bathroom, popped his head in his parents bedroom to find his mother in bed clutching her side and laughing, her usual mask of composure was no where to be seen.

"Mother?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes dear?" she said once she had gotten some composure back.

"What's the matter with father?"

"That is something your father would like to know himself Draco but pay him no mind for now. Go about your normal routine, oh and Uncle Severus will be paying us a visit shortly."

"Uncle Severus? I thought he was out of the county?"

"He is dear, but I fear your father will threaten him with unspeakable things just to get him here – that or bribe him with potion ingredients." Narcissa said, still chuckling at the thought of her husband running out the door to their room, both hands on his head.

"Cissy!" Lucius roared, his voice _reverberating around the mansion. _

Narcissa sighed, this wasn't going to end well.

"Would it be at all possible for us to talk... now!" his voice still reaching around the mansion.

"Coming dear!" she yelled back, Narcissa didn't normally yell but when she was with Lucius there were a lot of things that she didn't usually do. Narcissa turned to face Draco and warned him not to entered any room that his father occupied for the whole day, when he had started to question her again she sent him out of the room, and reluctantly got out of the still warm bed she and Lucius had shared only a few minutes ago.

As soon as she entered the drawing room she wished that she could take her own advice and avoid any room her husband was in for the entire day, but she knew she couldn't. It was time to face the wrath of a seemingly hairless Lucius Malfoy.

"What seems to be the problem Lucius?" she asked, trying to keep her tone level.

"My hair Cissy, it still hasn't grown back." Lucius said all this though gritted teeth and Narcissa tried very hard not to grin at the sight before her; he was stalking across the carpeted floor, and contrary to his personal belief, his hair whipped around his face every time he turned.

"Lucius, for the last time your hair _is_ there. Why don't we Floo Severus and see what he has to say on the matter?"

Lucius grumbled to himself for a few moments before replying, "Very well."

Narcissa smiled, "Good, while you do that I shall go and make myself decent. Call me when you reach him." She swept out the room without a backwards glance and ascended the stairs to their bedroom to get ready.

While she picked out her robes for the days she thought back to the conversation she and Severus had a few days prior.

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"_You know Narcissa this really is cruel trick to play on your husband," Severus said while sipping a glass of Firewhiskey. They were sat opposite each other in the drawing room in Malfoy Manor plotting revenge on Lucius Malfoy. _

"_He has it coming Severus, do you know that if I want to start 'something' with him then I have to wait until he has brushed his hair twice and god forbid there is a hair out of place then he starts all over again! It's time he learned a lesson and you being a Potions Master and a spy are the perfect position to help me."_

"_And what will happen when Lucius asks for my help to counteract the potion? What do I say then?" he questioned her. _

"_All you need to say is 'ask Narcissa'."_

"_Cissy are you sure?" Severus asked hesitantly, he knew how much Narcissa hated the fact that at night time Lucius' hair got more attention than she did. _

"_I have never been more sure about anything Severus, something needs to change. I've tried the conventional ways and they haven't worked, now I'm going for the more... creative ones." Severus had never seen Narcissa smirk and he decided that in that moment he never wanted to again, especially if it was going to be directed at him. _

"_Fine Narcissa, I'll help you." Her smirk turned into a cruel smile, one he had seen upon evil stepmothers and witches in the muggle movies he had sneaked out to watch when he was younger. _

"_As long as you know what you're getting yourself into Severus," she said, finishing off her drink and getting up to show him out. But, Severus just sat in the chair he occupied, rested the palms of his hands against his thighs and looked up at her. _

"_The question is Cissy, do you?"

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They had parted ways shortly after that, she had left the vast majority of the 'plan' up to Severus as he had to prepare the potion and slip it into one of Lucius' drinks. She wasn't a person who liked giving up control to another and this was proven even more so when she had Flooed Severus at least twice a day to check on how everything was going.

"What do you mean ask Narcissa?" came a loud voice from downstairs.

That was her cue, she finished getting dressed, slipped into her heals and made her way down the stairs just in time to see her husband advance on her.

"Would you like to tell me why when I asked Severus to tell me what was wrong, the only answer he could give me was _'Ask Narcissa'_?"

"I would like to tell you Lucius but before I do you _are_ going to calm down." Narcissa answered calmly, looking over her husbands shoulder to see a slightly pale Severus - she wondered what Lucius had threatened him with.

"Don't tell me to calm down woman, I want to know what you did," he shrieked.

"I was hoping we could have a civilised conversation, but I think those hopes were a bit too much, don't you agree Severus?" she asked while descending the rest of the stairs then walking past her husband and into the drawing room.

"Cissy you never cease to amaze me, you were hoping for civilised conversation, I think your lucky he hasn't hexed you yet."

"He wouldn't hex me Severus, I'm the one who controls whether he gets his hair back or not." Narcissa made her way over to the drinks cabinet and poured herself and Severus a tumbler of Firewhiskey, passed it to him then sat in the chair she plotted the whole thing in, and watched Lucius open and close his mouth as though he were trying to imitate a fish on dry land.

"You... you did this?" he asked incredulously.

"No Lucius, a bunch of Boggarts did. Of course it was me, Severus helped but only because I asked him to and because I needed his expertise."

The whole fell room was silent while Lucius processed the new information, after a few minutes of him looking between his wife and his most trusted friend Narcissa told him to sit down in fear that he would get a crick in his neck from it turning so fast.

"Why?" he asked after another ten minutes had passed.

Narcissa weighed her options, she could either tell him everything and then be done with it or she could toy with him... she like the second option better.

"Why do you think Lucius?" she questioned him coyly.

"I don't know Narcissa, why don't _you _tell _me_."

Narcissa Malfoy liked to think she knew her husband well, and while she would enjoy tormenting him further she knew that he could not take any more of her teasing.

"Funnily enough Lucius, your answer lies in last nights events."

"What do you mean my answer lies in last nights events Cissy?" At least he wasn't as mad as before she mused, if he had been then he wouldn't have called her Cissy.

"I mean what didn't you do last night."

"I didn't..." he trailed off as he realised his error. "I didn't brush my hair, because I couldn't. I couldn't because something, I presume a potion, is making me think that my hair isn't there when it actually is, and the person that ingests the potion is the only one who feels it's effects."

"Correct Lucius, and I trust you can figure the rest out for yourself," Severus said while making his way towards the Floo, he had to get back to Hermione and he had a feeling something bad was about to happen.

"The rest?" he asked Severus.

"You think this little 'prank' doesn't have a – what do muggles call it – a moral Lucius?"

"Well... no."

Knowing what was about to happen, Severus threw the Floo powder into the Floo and walked through, but not before he heard the distinct sound of flesh hitting flesh or more specifically, palm hitting cheek.

After Severus' escape Narcissa Malfoy was the one pacing up and down the drawing room floor, mumbling something about inconsiderate men who never noticed anything if it didn't pertain to them.

She rounded on him after picking up the nearest breakable object and throwing it against the wall, "What do you mean 'no' Lucius, do I have to spell it out for you?" She didn't wait for him to answer before answering her own question, "Of course I do, let me make this simple for you Lucius. You spend more time brushing your damn hair than you do tending to your wife."

"What... I-"

"Save it Lucius, every night you brush your hair at least twice and if there's a hair out of place then you start all over again. I know people have their routines but this is ridiculous, I like seeing your hair tousled you know."

"So let me get this straight Cissy, instead of talking to me you got Severus to create a potion and slip it into my drink to make me think that my hair had vanished."

"Well yes-" He interrupted her, by getting up from his seat by the fireplace and walking over to her then wrapping his arms around her Petit waist.

"And then you let me think that my hair had in fact vanished when I awoke last night-"

"Early morning more like it," she interrupted and he conceded to her point, it was rather early when he woke her up.

"Early morning then, one question; why didn't the potion work as soon as I ingested it?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"I asked him to put a time delay on it," she admitted quietly, looking away from his piercing gaze.

"Very Slytherin of you dear, wasn't it." He chuckled, in hindsight he should have realised something was up when she was so insistent on him seeing Severus instead of trying to figure out something herself - Narcissa always liked a good puzzle. But, that was why he loved her and why he had married her.

"I think my dear, this was one occasion we should have taken a leaf out of Severus and Hermione's book and talked instead of avoiding the issue, especially since we are both Slytherin's as that," he gestured to broken vase near the table, "is what happens."

Narcissa looked up into his eyes, hindsight was a wonderful thing she thought. Had she thought like a non-Slytherin this whole fiasco could have been avoided, but it was no use thinking about what could have happened as what had happened, happened and now they had to deal with it.

"I suppose so, should we forgive and forget also or would you rather I destroy some more breakables?"

"That is rather Hufflepuff dear, how about truce instead?" he asked, his nose wrinkling at the thought of Hufflepuff sentimentality.

"Hmm, I suppose that could work. How about we agree to talk if something trivial is bothering us instead of it coming to this."

"Agreed. Now weren't you off to some benefit for Pure Bloods?" he asked while she broke away from his embrace.

"I was," she said straightening her robes, "I'll be home for supper. Give my love to Draco."

Narcissa smiled, and just like that they were back to normal.

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